It's a BOY!

I've just gotten to where I can write those words and not tear up.

But I still can not even believe it.

After three girls I began to wonder if the Phillips family was going 

to include brothers...

but I really never should have wondered,

and that is why my eyes fill with tears whenever I think about this baby boy.

Because after Ellie was born and we were starting to think about #2

and before I knew I was pregnant I had a word from the Lord that

He was going to give us a son.

So when I found out a week later that I was pregnant I naturally thought,

oh, it's a boy!

So when we found out about sweet baby girl Gracie I was a little surprised. 

I know we can obviously not hear God correctly sometimes but I felt like this 

was something He was really speaking...

so, I wondered if maybe God spoke that to me so that when we had

#2 and she was another girl, I could believe and hope that we 

would have a boy too, but just not yet.

Because my timing works much quicker than God's, when we got 

pregnant with #3 I thought, NOW here he comes, our little boy!
And everyone around us was saying this too...

but no, Emmy was to be next in our family.

My honest journey with finding out that a third girl was on the way was 

a difficult one.  But I had a friend tell me immediately after as I was struggling 

with the emotions of disappointment and yet joy for a sweet healthy baby girl,

we LOVE our girls, another would be more joy...but just not what I expected...

she said, "Joy, it's ok to grieve and rejoice at the same time."

With this release, I was free to process honestly with God...and ask hard questions.

 One where I had to ask God, DID I hear you?

Do you know our longing for a boy?

Do you think I wouldn't be a good "boy mom"?

It was a journey--I was in Florida for vacation with my side of the family

the day after we found out.

and I would run along the beach and ask God what He was doing,

and give Him the raw emotion of my soul.

You see from the time Trav and I were married I pictured him playing football

in the backyard with our son or sons.  Pictured him fathering

and me mothering daughters and sons.

So I drew into the only place I knew where I could find answers, at my Father's feet.

It was there that He met me, again.  

With love and compassion.

With understanding and intimacy.

And with only one answer,

with a gentle, knowing smile on His face He would say to me over and over again,

"You have no idea what I'm doing."

It wasn't a confirmation of a promise but instead a reassurance of His goodness

over my life.  A reminder that His ways are always best...and I know Him

well enough to know that I want His ways and not my own.

And so I rejoiced...and when Emmy came along I couldn't imagine life any other way.

I couldn't imagine not having three girls all so close together...I can't imagine if 

one of them was a boy.  That just wouldn't be our family.

I LOVE what He has done to order our baby girls so close together.

So when we found out we were pregnant with #4 EVERYONE wanted

 to know if we wanted a boy, if I thought it was a boy, if I would be sad if it was a girl...

but the Lord in His goodness quieted my heart and brought a peace that passes all understanding.

In the months that followed I remember watching my girls play in the bathtub and
thinking...I would be absolutely crazy to not trust got to give us the very best for our family
after all He's given us already.

So with this, there was a real grace to wait until I was almost
24 weeks pregnant to open the envelope that had given to me

at my 20 week ultrasound.
(why we waited...Trav was fasting, we wanted to go out together on a special
date and find out, I was peaceful to wait)

Again with this one, right before I found out we were pregnant I ran across in my Bible the same

verse that the Lord had spoken to me 4 years earlier about having a son...

but I showed it to Trav and then let it go.

All the while I mediated on the word that said, "You have no idea what I'm doing."

And I didn't, I rarely do...but I know I want what He's doing, so I was in and 

I was peaceful.

So when the date night finally came for us to sit together and open our envelope

(this was no time for a gender reveal party) we talked and prayed about where we were 

going into this long awaited day...

so after dinner we went out to ASU and Trav felt like the Lord said,

"climb a tree" and sit in it and open the envelope.

Well--we didn't exactly "climb a tree" but we did sit on the low limb of one!

We waited on the Lord before we opened it...

I had the picture of all our little blonde girls huddled in the arms of Jesus,

then they looked up ahead of them and there was a little blonde boy running

towards them, with Jesus beckoning him in.

I hesitantly shared this with Trav and then I made him open it while I closed my eyes!

He opened it, of course couldn't see it at first because it was dark,

but after what felt like an eternity I finally heard him say...

it's a boy!

It is hands down one of my most favorite memories that we have together...

I knew I didn't want to find out laying on the ultrasound table and I 

knew I wanted to just be with Trav...such an unforgettable moment to experience together.

A dream coming true--for both of us.

We celebrated after with one of our (well, my) favorite deserts...
a pizookie!

What a joy...what a journey...what a faithful God we have.

Yes, He did have a plan and we are finally getting to see more of it.

I think we were both overwhelmed, speechless, teary, thankful.

 Can not wait to meet this little baby boy Phillips!